The War Piggy is angry

Current Celebrity Crushes

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 22:21:27 GMT

Steve Merchant
Ricky Gervais
Mark Strong

I know only one of these is considered "good-looking", but so help me jesus they all make me blush and giggle. Although I have a definite physical type, if someone makes me laugh I will want to fuck them.
"I just finished watching Extras and I've got it bad." Mark Strong is just there because.

Neti pot

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 02:42:44 GMT

Following the grand results of the last night's salty soup, today I decided to do the same thing to my nostrils. 1 cup of body temperature saline solution into each side, letting it drain out the other. I was expecting this to be traumatic, but I barely noticed until I saw water streaming out my nose. I guess I got the temperature perfect.

I've wanted to try this before, but was slightly frightened that I'd end up filling up my sinuses with water and then have to scream until I passed out. Turns out, I have no idea how you could do that, short of very aggressive snorting in mid-pour.

This time, I looked up some info, and found that there have been medical studies done with control groups that indicate nasal irrigation can be very helpful for allergy and sinusitis sufferers. And frankly, I have been sneezing and blowing my nose all damn day. Whenever I get a cold, it always takes a month for the sniffles to go away, even though the rest of me feels back to normal after a week maximum. I hope this helps, but just in case, I'm also taking some sudafed. I want to sleep, damn it.

Still sick, but better

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 16:48:13 GMT

The sore throat feels weak, but no longer raw. The sinuses have calmed down their mucus production a bit. The juice diet and broth did their job. At around 10 last night, I was empty of everything but water. I was extremely well hydrated, even after the "flush". I felt wonderful, and awoke this morning stuffy but happy.

I'm not doing another day of that juice diet though. Much too extreme, and besides, the thought of oatmeal was actually pleasant! So now I'm just watching if I'll make it to class today.

I want to sit and watch bad TV. I do not want to lecture. But if I can, I will. I love money.

Sick again

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 16:49:25 GMT

Well, it's been 5 months without so much of a sniffle, so I can't really complain about a cold. But if this turns into another -itis party, I will complain. As loudly as I can.

That sucked so much - conjunctivitis (Sweet Christ!), sinisitis, bronchitis, and another one I can't remember. Responded very well to the antibiotics, but I'd like to not have to go there this time.

I decided to try a juice diet for a day or so, as swallowing is awkward right now, the idea of solid food is repulsive and I have a Whole Foods with juice bar 500 yards from my house. I am currently drinking "The Green Oz" - spinach, celery, cucumber, apple, ginger, lemon, lime and some other shit I do not want to think about. It is surprisingly not-terrible. If I could just have a glass of it, I think I'd be quite pleased. But as it's breakfast, it's 16 oz, and oh god. For lunch I may get something with carrot. And for dinner - homemade vegetable broth! The sudden salt hit from that is supposed to ummm, motivate my colon. For about 1-2 hours, apparently.

Still, I've tried something similar before, and it really does help make you feel less like death. I'm teaching summer school and I can't afford a week of laryngitis and misery. So, juice, tea with honey, and sudafed. Sweet, sweet sudafed.

I hope a day of this will cut it. I don't relish the idea of doing this for long.

End of semester

Sat, 06 Jun 2009 04:31:40 GMT

So tired. So very tired. I should come up with something to celebrate making it through the semester, but I have nearly given up the heavy drinking and god help me if that's not exactly what I want to do. A bottle of champagne, all for me. 4 gimlets, ice cold. Either way, I would be one happy little alcoholic. For about 5 hours, before a feeling of bloated tension washes over me. That part is ......... not so fun.

Maybe I'll try going dancing. I drink less then, and I move more. Only thing is, I haven't gone clubbing in oh, 10+ years. I don't even know where to go! Where does one look for dance clubs? Yellow Pages? Yelp?

Still, before I can do any of those things I have to finish all the finals and grading. By then I'll probably just want to pass out. What I really want of course, is to travel. Get an apartment somewhere new, and walk around and eat and sightsee and take pictures and go to plays and smooch.

Soon.

TMI

Wed, 27 May 2009 15:19:56 GMT

I've been thinking of keeping track of daily information in an organized way. I'd like to track my weight, my workouts, my eating and drinking, my sex life, my moods, my activities, and basically anything else that will help me form a concrete mental picture of my life. As a data geek, I would like to do this on a computer so I can look at some of the data in graph form. Visualizing data is for me the only way to spot patterns between variables.

Has anyone here used online tools to do something similar? Google? Daytum.com? Or did you just do it on your own with Excel or something similar?

WTF

Tue, 26 May 2009 04:31:46 GMT

I have never watched an episode of Heroes. I do not know the names of most of the characters, and I do not think that I will ever learn them because I do not like TV shows with complicated plots. I am too simple for such enjoyments.

However, I have been feverishly googling and watching everything with Zachary Quinto ever since I saw Star Trek reboot. I am obsessed. And so, I know that he is a recurring super-villain character on Heroes who has become irredeemable. Not in the sense that he could never repent and see the light, but fangirl irredeemable. He can never get the girl because he will kill her (again- that happened twice). He will never be happy or content or any of the things that I like my characters to be. Even with the bastards I need some sense that they have real human feelings and needs.
But he doesn't. He had them, and he deliberately chose another path and he can't go back, and oh. Oh! Usually this would mean that I find him totally uninteresting and gross, but he is played by Zach Quinto and it is killing me.

There needs to be a rule that villains can't be so absolutely beautiful that your heart melts whenever they walk onscreen. Gah. Also, ow.

Mon, 25 May 2009 11:58:47 GMT

My least favorite part of drinking to excess is the fact that I am typing this at 4 am. Alcohol disrupts my sleep patterns like whoa. I guess the fact that it makes me gain weight like crazy is also shit. But fucking up my rest is just wrong!

Gynecologist fun!

Fri, 10 Apr 2009 02:07:04 GMT

Ok, I need a new gyno. Mine just brutalized me. I know that's her job and all, but rough trade is just not my thing. And although I feel bad from a feminist perspective, that may be the end of female gynecologists for me. That's 0 for 2 for the ladies, and 1 to 0 for the men. Maybe men don't expect to be tough and deal with having our parts violated, and women just think....... What? What are they thinking? You are touching my vagina! You need to be gentle, god damn it! And your hands need to be warm.

Employment suggestion: If your hands are naturally cold, you should not have a job where you touch people, unless you are willing to go out of your way to make the experience pleasant.

Thing is, I'm sure she's a good doctor. But she has no business touching anyone's lady parts. Certainly not mine. I guess I just need to be more blunt when I ask for recommendations. Is this doctor very, very gentle? Do they enjoy touching coochie? If both answers are yes, I will try them. Otherwise, I will be taking my lady parts elsewhere. Although I will never enjoy anyone near my cervix.

Easter

Sun, 05 Apr 2009 23:55:51 GMT

Look, I love any holiday centered around ham and chocolate but I can't help feeling that I've missed something. Almost all of my yearly celebrations center around food, as they should. Problem is, they don't just center around food, they consist entirely of food. There is no spiritual component, no meaning other than ritual gorging, sometimes in the presence of family. So I look to you for advice.

How do you celebrate Easter? If you don't celebrate Easter, is there something else you celebrate around the same time? Passover? Pagan fertility ritual? Japanese cherry blossom festival? Please, I need to look forward to something other than egg-shaped candy.

Optimize!

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 23:17:01 GMT

As a mathematician, I should love optimization problems, and I do as long as they stay math problems and don't intrude on real life. When I am face with a real optimization problem, I don't do so well.

Mostly, this is a practical issue. I don't know all the variables of the function that I am trying to optimize and the scientific method of just altering one variable at a time takes for god damn ever.

This math rant is brought to you by my back, source of many rants. See, I have a screwed up spine. Specifically I have scoliosis which is severe enough that it requires attention, from a chiropractor, a physical therapist and myself. What I am trying to do with all this effort is keep my back from hurting. I don't do so well with pain, and I'd like to minimize it. This creates an interesting set of problems. To avoid pain, I need to exercise, but only certain kinds and I have to watch my form and so on. Fine, I do that. I also need to go to the chiropractor, but here things get tricky. If I take too long to go to the chiropractor, I get achey and stiff. But right after the chiropractor my back fucking kills me. It's not that my chiropractor isn't excellent - he is. But apparently my back freaks out when it's moved so much, and goes into lock down for about 24 hours. So I'm trying to balance the achey curve (which will turn into real pain and keep getting worse) with the day-after-ow-ow-ow curve and figure out how long to leave between treatments.

7 weeks was too long. Not only was I achey for the last 3, but the adjustment required was major enough that I am very, very unhappy today. I think I'll go try 3 weeks as my interval and see how it goes.

Ow.

Parents

Fri, 27 Mar 2009 04:29:24 GMT

My parents just left after visiting for a few days. On one hand, it was wonderful. I love them, they love me, and we like each other a lot too, etc.
On the other hand they activate an adrenal response that could be marketed as "Jolt Extreme!". So I am currently drunk (bleah) and stuffed with chocolate mousse (bleah bleah). I don't know how to handle going into work tomorrow. As is I nearly wept in my office today from sheer exhaustion.

It's a good thing I had my tubes tied. I'm such a wuss. A few days of stress and less than optimal sleep and I fold like a house of cards. Checkmate!

Control issues

Sat, 21 Mar 2009 01:09:42 GMT

I've been lucky enough in my life to have had access to mental health professionals whenever I needed them. So far, that's been about 8 out of the last 10 years. For some of that time, the word "need" was true in a very literal sense. I was having a nervous breakdown, and I needed someone objective yet caring in my life or I don't know what would have happened to me.
In other moments, the need was less acute, but no less valid. I had issues that were making me unhappy, I wasn't handling things well, and my therapists helped me work through a lot of things. I am healthier and happier because of therapy, and when I made the decision to stop seeing my shrink 9 months ago, it was only because I genuinely felt ok. I didn't have anything I needed to discuss at the time, and I didn't want to start feeling negative about the experience because I was no longer moving forward.

I decided to re-enter therapy last week, and it felt almost like I was cheating. See, before I talked to my shrink about everything under the sun, with only the goals of getting to know myself and feeling better. This is a very broad version of psychotherapy, and falls more into the realm of psychoanalysis than counseling for large parts of it. That's just what I thought therapy was, and it worked really well for me. So well in fact, that this time around I only had a few distinct things that were bothering me, as opposed to an all over feeling of malaise. So when I went back, I decided to try to focus only on what was upsetting me intensely, as opposed to a more general discussion.

Holy fuck. I don't know if you've ever had an "eureka" moment when a whole bunch of things suddenly click into place and the pattern emerges from what used to feel like isolated events. I've had a few, but today's was very strong. It didn't even happen in therapy, but on the god damn elliptical. Man, that machine is boring.
Anyways, when I looked at the issues that are still causing me problems, like binge-eating (yes, this is as disgusting as it sounds), drinking alcohol to excess, and certain sexual issues that I have, there was one big theme. I am both desperately trying to lose control, and desperately unhappy when I do. I crave the feeling of being out of control and then when I am, I'm miserable.
So the good news is I figured out a huge motivating force behind some of my most self-destructive habits. The bad news is that I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with it. I've tried giving up control during sex before, and found it about as erotic as string cheese. Maybe less so, because I like string cheese. And I'm doing this cognitive behavioral therapy thing to deal with the bingeing, which works great, but the underlying control issue is still going to be there, and I don't want it to start manifesting itself in other areas of my life.

I'm glad I'm seeing my shrink again. Really, really glad.

In the mean time, I think I'll see if maybe this is a neurological issue - something about my overactive adrenal glands, and try to manage it with running. (Fight or flight, baby.) Or if it's a fear that if I am in control, I'll fuck everything up and fail, and at least if I'm not in control then it wasn't really my fault, see? As far as I can tell, the only way to deal with that fear is to take actively try to take control of what I can, and then enjoy the successes and try not to freak out about the failures.

What else can I try?

Yes, minster

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 23:20:48 GMT

Why did no one tell me about this show? It's a 20 year old british sitcom, but so what? It's fucking brilliant! I have a severe desire to molest 2 out of the 3 main characters, and they're all hilarious. Plus, I have a much better understanding of politics now than I did after 4 years of poli sci.

Anyways, it's on Netflix Instant Watch, it's funny, and if you really want to you can write something. It'll be worth your while, I promise.

Books, scent and memory

Thu, 05 Feb 2009 20:56:02 GMT

I just got my late grandmother's cookbooks in the mail. I wanted these more than anything, except her house. They have the scent of her kitchen still on them. I love that smell.

Her whole house always had a great odor. It wasn't food, but wood and bricks and country air. I think I could be as happy in another house, if I just knew how to recreate that scent. Also, floor to ceiling windows on one wall. Very important.
Actually, that's a lie. I'll never be happy in the same way that I was there. This is a big part of why I had to let her place go. I love it, I do, but it's not the same. When I was there alone, I had to drink very heavily just so I wouldn't freak out at night. That's not a good sign.

Going back to the books, I noticed the smell immediately when I opened the box. The first whiff made me so happy. A split second later, I started crying.

Home again, home again

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 15:54:47 GMT

This was the first time I've been in Europe, wanting to come back to the States. In the past, I missed my sweetie, but I was so happy to be back in Germany that it cancelled it out. Or, it didn't cancel it out, but the integral was positive over all and I was so grateful to be there. I miss Europe, I still do, but this time it was different.

Maybe because it was winter and cold? No, I was well dressed for that, and after LA I enjoy busting out the the winter gear. But I was sick. And alone. And that made me miss my sweetie even more, because when you're traveling alone, the last thing you want to feel is more vulnerable. Being sick makes me feel really vulnerable. Also, being sick made me have to change my plans. I had a good plan for hiking across some parts of the country I hadn't seen before, and I was really looking forward to it. But you just don't hike alone with conjunctivitis and bronchitis. Even I'm not that foolhardy.

And so I went back to my grandmother's house. It was weird. I had already said good bye to that place over the summer, but I still love it on so many levels. In the winter, slightly fewer levels. My uncle is selling it this year, and maybe I'm glad I got to spend a few more days there. I don't know. Bittersweet is the best description for how I feel.

I still love Europe. I am happier there than in the States. But the States has my sweetie, and this time I couldn't wait to get back.

Gross!

Sun, 04 Jan 2009 03:29:13 GMT

I'm sorry, I would cut this, I swear, but I think I might need medical advice. See, I've had a cold, nothing major, for about a week. I feel pretty ok, but my throat is a little scratchy, and I've been producing snot like whoa. (Sorry.) So I've been blowing my nose a lot, but everything was fine until about 7 hours ago when I noticed that my left eye felt a little weird.

This is where it gets gross. There is mucus draining out of my left eye. It is not being produced in the eye (yet), it is draining out of the eye from my sinuses. The eye is a little sore, but mostly just swollen and gross and tearing up. Under normal circumstances, I would just wait overnight and then go to the doctor tomorrow, but there are complications. I'm on vacation in London. Tomorrow I'm supposed to check out of my rented flat and fly to Germany to hike around for a week before meeting my parents.

So here's my question. Have any of you ever heard/experienced something like this? Do you know what causes it? How to treat it? What the doctor might tell me? I think I'll go tomorrow, no matter if I'm in a country where I'm technically uninsured, because hey, mucus is draining from my eye.

Seriously, wtf?

New Year

Fri, 02 Jan 2009 10:09:30 GMT

I don't know what the rest of you do to mark this particular moment, but I am still on the look out for rituals that will work for me. Things I know don't work:
- Drinking heavily
- Staying awake until midnight
- Going out
I'm not really into the celebration aspect of it, or rather, I'm not into it if a billion other people are also doing it. I can understand celebrating the collective moment, I understand that has value, but man I just cannot handle the crowds. I think I also can't handle the enforced merry-making. Being told to have fun god dammit tends to make me depressed. I have similar problems with Valentine's Day.

So the things I try tend to be a bit more introspective. I spend a few moments thinking about the last year (I am too critical) and thinking what I would like to do this next year. It's just, I also do that on my birthday, and that has a lot more meaning to me than a day plunked randomly into the calendar. It's not even on a Solstice, which I could get behind.

Are there any things that you guys do that can be done in a group, or just with one other person that make sense of this day to you? They don't have to be formal rituals, although I welcome those as well, but just an activity that you do to notice that the year has ended and a new one has begun.

I've been giving this some thought of late, because I'm an atheist, and I think that the only way for atheism to catch on is to give it some (voluntary) rituals that can offer people the same sense of community and continuity as the church or other spiritual movements. I would like the twelve days of Christmas to have meaning for me, but they don't. Ditto Easter, Valentine's Day and much else. I like Thanksgiving, birthdays and I'm trying to get into Solstice celebration, although I fear that may be a lost cause. I don't know why New Year's doesn't work for me, but I am going to try. I can experiment on myself, and then report back to the atheist hive mind.

Actually, that's another problem. We have no hive mind.

1.5 weeks

Thu, 11 Dec 2008 01:30:43 GMT

It's like 7 1/2 weeks, only without the sex!

The end of the semester is coming up, and holy fuck am I going to be busy between now and then. So much work.
I'm exhausted, but I'm getting shit done. I only wish my students would do the same.

I worked for 6.5 straight hours today which sounds like nothing, until you realize that for 3.5 hours of that I wanted to fucking kill myself because I was grading the worst exam ever. 4 near perfect scores, 3 ok scores and 12 fails. I have never graded an exam like that ever. It was horrible. But what should I do? If they' d read the damn material like I asked, they would have aced it. Seriously, my exam was straight from the book. I can't pass their work. It would be totally irresponsible to pass failing work.

I even gave them an extra weekend to study. Seriously, what should I do?

God damn cheap monkeys

Thu, 13 Nov 2008 03:35:02 GMT

I have cramps.

I am lucky in this department. I get cramps only one day a month, and they are much less severe than they are for most women. In fact, I would guess that I am in the luckiest 5% here. But you know what?

They are still painful and I hate them. The best 5% of horrible is still pretty damn bad. And I am no good with pain. It takes over my entire being, and it is just so demoralizing.

Having cramps always makes me feel broken somehow. I mean, seriously, this is the best system they could come up with? What the hell? Shouldn't pain be a sign that something is not working, rather than all systems go? I feel like a hurt little animal, and I'm supposed to be ok with it?

No. I am not ok with it. Periods and cramps and monthly pain are fucking ridiculous. Whoever came up with this crap, you an I will be having words.

Sydney!

Sat, 27 Sep 2008 20:39:50 GMT

I may be visiting Sydney for 2-3 weeks this December/January for a friend's wedding! This will be my first time in Australia, and I have no idea what I'm doing.

I'd love to meet up with those of you on my flist that are in the area, and I promise that I will happily eat, drink and make loud inappropriate comments. I promise.

I'd also love any advice you have on what to do, where to go and what to eat. Specifically, I will be renting an apartment rather than using a hotel because I do not like hotels very much, even the really, really nice ones. I'm coming from Los Angeles, and I need to stay near a beach. I'd love to be able to walk most places, or take the train. I will not be renting a car. I'm a bit wary (and weary) of hot weather, so I'd prefer to be somewhere on the coast where it is cooler. Do you have any ideas? Neighborhoods I should focus on, or some I should avoid?

I am so excited! A new continent! New food! Opera! (Is there opera in January?) Also, where doth one surf by Sydney? The spouse would like that.

Alcoholism

Sun, 14 Sep 2008 21:45:11 GMT

I self-medicate with alcohol. This means I drink too much, but I don't take any other medication - no antidepressants, no pain killers, nothing.

I almost wish there were some negative repercussions, because otherwise I will just keep drinking.

Here's the thing: It works. It works better than anything else. I stop panicking. I feel better. It's not the fake euphoria of other drugs, it just removes the bad parts of my thought processes. It fixes me.

I don't know what to think about that. Would I like to feel this good without ingesting a poison? Yes. Would I trade this feeling for a cleaner life style? No.

I drink every day, and the number of drinks keeps climbing. I'm still healthy and happy. I won't quit as long as I'm healthy and happy. And so I drink.

My biggest fear is that this lovely, happy, safe life I have is what makes me drink. I don't want to uproot my life to be happier. I like safety and routine like other people like oxygen. It just might be slowly killing me.

I need to think about this calmly. I can't think calmly without drinking, and I can't think with it.
I think I might have a problem.

America

Wed, 27 Aug 2008 15:18:58 GMT

Obama's pandering to the "religious" voters is driving me batshit insane. I'm worried that he won't win the election. I really am. I thought the whole point of Obama was that he would be a slam dunk. That Hillary would be too controversial. I really wanted Hillary. But you bet your ass I'll vote for Obama.

I feel like such a coward. I rarely make political posts because I'm afraid of alienating people. I live in LA because I'm too scared to give up my job. (Which might actually be smart right now.) I'm so scared at not doing well, that I don't even try. I'm so tired of feeling this way. So, so tired.

New House

Fri, 08 Aug 2008 17:03:46 GMT

1. I am posting from our new condo.

2. It is very nice.

3. I am freaking out about money.

4. I am freaking out about a lot actually.

5. It's like I'm mainlining coffee.

6. This may not have been the best time to quit drinking.

Move

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 18:57:28 GMT

How the fuck are you supposed to move if you have a job? I don't just mean that moving actually is another job all by itself, but the fact that all appointments for the movers, or donations, or the contractor, or tile, or any detail you can imagine? They all have to take place during business hours. If I wasn't on summer break (all hail academia) I don't see how this would work.

Oh, and we have guests this week. I'm so asocial, we hardly ever have guests, and now we have them this week. I hope they can either entertain themselves, or find Home Depot fascinating.

Dear god.